40 Ways to Hog the Hot Tub


Whether you’re at a deck party, or soaking your bones at the hotel spa, it can be awkward to inform the other people in the hot tub that you don’t want them there. But if you give one of these little conversational nuggets a try, you might be surprised at how quickly you find yourself alone.

1. For a man with my physical abnormalities, it’s hard to find a bathing suit that fits properly.

2. I will be SO GLAD when I get over this diarrhea.

3. Oh, please don’t turn on the bubbles. I’m raging on acid right now, and I don’t want to go apeshit.

4. Man, this hot water feels great on my hemorrhoids!

5. I hope this water isn’t hot enough to warp my prosthetic leg.


That definitely wasn’t me! I don’t smell anything.

6. (Squinting at the posted rules) I don’t see anything on there about festering sores. Do you see anything on there about festering sores?

7. I heard when they finally cleaned the filter out on this tub, it was crammed with, like, a bushel of pubic hair.

8. I’ve coated myself with Wesson oil so we could fit more people in here. Sorry about the slick.

9. I’m trimming my toenails down here, so watch out for stray clippings.

10. Last summer I drove from Spokane to Ellensburg buck naked.

11. Does anyone mind if I sing the Lord’s Prayer?

12. I like how when you spit your gum out, it just melts away. Cool.

13. Hey, is it okay if I put my feet on your lap, like this?

14. You can hardly tell I just blew my nose in this tub.

15. You think those Jacuzzi bubbles are creamy? Watch THIS. (start grunting)

16. I hope you don’t mind, but I poured a gallon of Clorox in here to kill the germs.

17. Hey, you want to see what a tiny volcano looks like?

18. The lifeguard said I was too filthy to use the shower, so I’m hoping this will loosen some of the grime.

19. They ran out of toilet paper in the men’s locker room. By the way, can I see your towel for a minute?

20. Soon as these bubbles turn off, you can see my flesh-colored thong. Ha ha.

21. Oh, man, this feels good. My muscles are so sore from wrestling kids into my van.

22. You know, these adult diapers aren’t as waterproof as they’d have you believe.

23. This water feels pretty good, but I think it would be better with some Amway Skin-So-Soft.
Have you ever tried any Amway products? I’d love to tell you about some of them.

24. Shoot. I forgot to take my cigarettes out of my pocket before I got in. Whoa! I think my Zippo sprung a leak…
25. Boy, this is relaxing. I’ve been so stressed out since working a double shift at the hospital, taking care of those Ebola patients.

26. Jeez, I have been drinking coffee all damn morning, and never got a chance to go to the restroom. (pause) Whooooooeee, that feels good.

27. I’m testing out a new underwater camera right now. I hope you don’t mind.

28. Man, the inside of my nose is REALLY itchy.

29. This tub must have one hell of a filter, to get rid of all the vomit that was floating in here last night.

30. I feel like I’m finally making some progress with my Tourette Syndrome I JUST CRAPPED.

31. You don’t care if I have my railroad boots on, do you? I couldn’t find my shower shoes.

32. Wow, I didn’t know scabs floated.

33. This sure feels great after a long day unclogging toilets with my bare hands.

34. I don’t know what they mean by “gray water.” This stuff looks pretty clear to me.

35. The bubbles are nice. They kind of tickle my genital warts.

36. Can you believe some woman gave birth in here just this morning?

37. That guy in the green towel, coming this way? He looks like trouble. But don’t worry. I’ve got a knife under here.

38. I just poured eight boxes of Jello instant pudding in here. Looks like it’s starting to thicken up.

39. Whoa, I just found the most disgusting thing in my belly button. Check it out. Hey—where’d it go?

40. This is great, isn’t it? I mean, it’s like every single orifice on my body is opening up and saying, “Ahhh.”

   Check out all of Bob Wire’s posts in his blog archive.


Have an off-white Christmas with Bob Wire.Think of it as Gonzo meets Hee Haw: Missoula honky tonker Bob Wire holds forth on a unique life filled with music, parenthood, drinking, sports, working, marriage, drinking, and just navigating the twisted wreckage of American culture. Plus occasional grooming tips. Like the best humor, it’s not for everyone. Sometimes silly, sometimes surreal, sometimes savage, Bob Wire demands that you possess a good sense of humor and an open mind.

Bob Wire has written more than 500 humor columns for a regional website over the last five years, and his writing has appeared in the Missoulian, the Missoula Independent, Montana Magazine, and his own Bob Wire Has a Point Blog. He is a prolific songwriter, and has recorded three CDs of original material with his Montana band, the Magnificent Bastards. His previous band, the Fencemenders, was a popular fixture at area clubs. They were voted Best Local Band twice by the Missoula Independent readers poll. Bob was voted the Trail 103.3/Missoulian Entertainer of the Year in 2007.

You can hear his music on his website, or download it at iTunes, Amazon, and other online music providers. Follow @Bob_Wire on Twitter.


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