Existential Crisis in the Kitchen

Despite what you might hear, I’m an enlightened, evolved male. I possess certain domestic capabilities. Believe it or not, I do know my Swiffer from a hole in the ground.

I’m cleaning the kitchen after dinner. And dessert. And a couple of movies and snacks. And homemade popcorn. My better half is leafing through a magazine in the living room. The following conversation takes place through the kitchen wall.

Me: “Honey,  why don’t you let me handle this mess. You cooked dinner and all.”

Her: [unintelligible]

Me: “There’s only one dinner roll left. Should I save it?”

Her: “Yes.”

I try to put it into a snack size recloseable bag. She does not have a sightline to the kitchen yet somehow knows exactly what’s happening.

Her: “It won’t fit in there. Use a sandwich size.”

Me: “What the…? It will if I smash the crap out of it like this. There. It fits.”

Her: “Oh, great, for dinner tomorrow I’ll serve grilled chicken and a toasted wad.”

Me: “Hey, man. You gave me an objective. I met that objective. You can’t have it both ways. I saved that roll.”

Her: “It’s a roll. Not a soldier in a foxhole. And please don’t call me ‘man.’”


Who says I don’t know how to use that long sweepy thing?

Me: “Exactly my point.”

Her: “What is your point, exactly?”

Me: “My point? Uh, my point is that I just saved a lot of plastic.”

Her: “A lot? You mean the difference in plastic between a sandwich bag and a snack bag? Excuse me, I have to go sell off all my Hefty stock.”

Me: “You have Hefty stock?”

Her: “No, I was being facetious.” [unintelligible]

Me: “Did you just call me a dough-head?”

Her: “What? No, I said ‘those apples are so red.’”

Me: “What apples? We’re out of apples.”

Her: [unintelligible] “These apples on TV.”

Me: “The TV’s not even on.”

Her: “Please don’t put that pan in the dishwasher. It has to be washed by hand.”

Me [pulling a frying pan out of the dishwasher]: “I know that. Why wouldn’t I know that? You’ve told me like a hundred times. Even though it said on the label, ‘dishwasher safe.’”

Her: “Yes, I remember reading that when you gave it to me for our anniversary.” [unintelligible]

I turn the water on full blast.

Me: “Honey, you know I can’t hear you when the water’s running.”

Seeing some oil has spattered onto the floor in front of the stove, I grab a sponge from the drain board and soak it in hot water. I pull a bottle of 409 from beneath the sink, and spray the floor.

Her: “You’re not using a sponge from the sink to wipe the floor, are you?”

Me: “How the %$@!! does she know?”

Her: “What’s that?”

Me: “Uh, I said, yeah, that would blow!”

Her: “I think what blows is [unintelligible].”

Me: “Okay, thanks, honey!”

There is an open can, half full of corn. I pull a plastic lid from a kitchen drawer and it fits perfectly on top of the can. Hurray. One less missing tupperware lid to track down.

Her: “Sweetheart, you can probably just throw that corn out. There’s not enough worth saving.”

I pop the lid back off the can and look inside. I count nine kernels. Huh. Oh, well, I’ve already made the effort. Into the fridge it goes.

Me: “No problem!”

Her: “Besides, you would probably use that dog food can lid thing. It’s gross.”

Me: “Why is it gross? I mean, it’s good enough for the dog’s food, should be good enough for ours.”

Her: “That’s because you’re [unintelligble].”

Me: “What cat bowl? We don’t even have a cat.”

Her: “Nothing. Anyway, thanks for cleaning the kitchen. Maybe one of the kids can do the pots and pans.”

Me: “Oh, no problem. I’ll take care of them. Uh, if anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathtub.”

Her: [unintelligible]

Me: “Oh yeah, that’s the first thing I’m going to wash.”

   Check out all of Bob Wire’s posts in his blog archive.


Have an off-white Christmas with Bob Wire.Think of it as Gonzo meets Hee Haw: Missoula honky tonker Bob Wire holds forth on a unique life filled with music, parenthood, drinking, sports, working, marriage, drinking, and just navigating the twisted wreckage of American culture. Plus occasional grooming tips. Like the best humor, it’s not for everyone. Sometimes silly, sometimes surreal, sometimes savage, Bob Wire demands that you possess a good sense of humor and an open mind.

Bob Wire has written more than 500 humor columns for a regional website over the last five years, and his writing has appeared in the Missoulian, the Missoula Independent, Montana Magazine, and his own Bob Wire Has a Point Blog. He is a prolific songwriter, and has recorded three CDs of original material with his Montana band, the Magnificent Bastards. His previous band, the Fencemenders, was a popular fixture at area clubs. They were voted Best Local Band twice by the Missoula Independent readers poll. Bob was voted the Trail 103.3/Missoulian Entertainer of the Year in 2007.

You can hear his music on his website, or download it at iTunes, Amazon, and other online music providers. Follow @Bob_Wire on Twitter.


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