Why is Bob Wire So Angry Today?

By BOB WIRE

We get a lot of emails here at Bob Wire World Headquarters (not to mention the occasional foul-smelling parcel that I immediately slip into my next-door neighbor’s box), and I thought it was high time I share some of them with you.

Q: Are you as angry as you seem in your blogs?

A: Oh, hell yes. I’m angry about many things, and every day more things are added to the pile. Here’s what’s pissing me off this morning: apparently my iPod is not dishwasher safe.

Q: Why are your blogs so long?

A: Why is your attention span so short? The administrator of a humor website once invited me to post some blogs there. “Keep them short enough to read in the time it takes to eat a Pop-Tart,” he instructed. First off, I don’t care if the blog you’re reading is so funny it ties your small intestine in a Gordian knot, it’s not worth getting Pop-Tart crumbs all up in your keyboard. Second, either read faster or eat slower, you Pop-Tard.

Sometimes my blogs are relatively brief at 700 words. Sometimes they’re long enough to require multiple Pop-Tarts. If you can’t be bothered to give something more attention than a Vine video, move along. No one’s holding a gun to your head. Although for some of you, it’s just a matter of time.

Q: Is everything you write true?

A: If you believe everything you read on the internet, you have bigger issues than worrying about why you can’t find John Colter Elementary on a map of Missoula (hint: if you Google John Colter, you should be able to connect the dots). I don’t usually make things up out of whole cloth, but I will admit to fast and loose with certain details to make the blog more entertaining/cohesive/funny. And of course, I try to avoid writing anything that would get me sued/cut off from sex/slapped silly. Having said that, I know I sometimes offend people. It’s usually unintended.

PretzelBox (2)

There are endless things in the world for me to be angry about. Like this box of Gourmet Pretzels that came in a gift basket. It only had this many pretzels! You bet I wasangry!

I know that the blogosphere (a totally made-up word, like viewshed) is packed with insightful perspectives on politics, culture, sports, religion, and other societal concerns. But it’s also like the world’s biggest Letters to the Editor, where there’s a shit ton of bitching and moaning and very little in the way of facts to back it up.

The whole idea of blogging is narcissistic beyond belief. You don’t need any qualifications or any kind of track record in order to foist your opinions and your musings on a worldwide audience. Why on earth does the average blogger think anyone is interested in the way her cat arranged the turds in his litter box this morning?

So you have the blogosphere (jazz hands, eyes rolling), this big ball of white noise, millions of voices shouting into cyber space about how they accidentally poured spoiled milk on their cereal, and it’s the fault of Obama’s failed global trade policies. Why should I give a rat’s ass about your political opinions, and why should you give two shits about mine? I’m just here for the party.

Q: Why is your writing so crude sometimes?

A: Oh, it’s crude all the time. I just have a good editor.

Q: Don’t you hate it when people answer a question with a question?

A: Doesn’t that just drive you crazy?

Q: You’ve been accused of being racist and sexist. Any truth to that?

A: I think “misanthropic” would be the more accurate term. It’s my experience that assholes and knotheads come in all colors, and all sexes. For example, I might make the observation that a black man with his pants around his knees and his boxers up to his armpits looks dumb as hell. I’m speaking to the man’s dress, not his skin color. But if that makes me a racist in the eyes of the P.C. gestapo, then fit me for a hood, Jasper.

Likewise with women. I might say that I nearly wrecked my car when I was run off the road by some cosmetologist who was sucking on a latte and trying to order some Botox on her cell phone when she changed lanes in front of me without warning. If you make the inference that I think all women are bad drivers, you’re the one making that leap, not me. At least signal first.

Q: Did you even go to high school?

A: Of course I did. In fact, I graduated in the top 98% of my class.

Q: Is there any subject you won’t write about?

A: Not really. But we try to avoid the more controversial, prickly subject matter here at MakeItMissoula.com. Sometimes I’ll find it irresistible to write about something super inappropriate in a juvenile, prurient manner. Those posts go to my own site, BobWireHasAPoint.com.

If you have any questions for me, or if you’d like to suggest a Missoula-themed subject I should write about, please leave a comment below. Have a good weekend, and for god’s sake, pull your pants up!

   Check out all of Bob Wire’s posts in his blogarchive.

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Have an off-white Christmas with Bob Wire.Think of it as Gonzo meets Hee Haw: Missoula honky tonker Bob Wire holds forth on a unique life filled with music, parenthood, drinking, sports, working, marriage, drinking, and just navigating the twisted wreckage of American culture. Plus occasional grooming tips. Like the best humor, it’s not for everyone. Sometimes silly, sometimes surreal, sometimes savage, Bob Wire demands that you possess a good sense of humor and an openmind.

Bob Wire has written more than 500 humor columns for a regional website over the last five years, and his writing has appeared in the Missoulian, the Missoula Independent, Montana Magazine, and his own Bob Wire Has a Point Blog. He is a prolific songwriter, and has recorded three CDs of original material with his Montana band, the Magnificent Bastards. His previous band, the Fencemenders, was a popular fixture at area clubs. They were voted Best Local Band twice by the Missoula Independent readers poll. Bob was voted the Trail 103.3/Missoulian Entertainer of the Year in 2007.

You can hear his music on his website, or download it at iTunes, Amazon, and other online music providers. Follow @Bob_Wire on Twitter.

 

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