A Six Minute Buzz Kill (L.A. versus Missoula)

I’m so excited. You know why? Because I’ve written only one blog in my entire life, and already it generated an awesome buzz kill comment. Did you see it? Check it out, it’s epic. Thank you, “sixminutestyle!” I can’t tell you how much what you said meant to me. I feel validated as a person and a blogger. Some people have to write 10 or 12 blogs before they get their first buzz kill, but I got mine on my very first try. I showed it to all my blogger pals.

“Nah, man, this isn’t for real,” they scoffed. “This is one of your friends helping you out.”

I was like, “Hey, don’t rain on my Montana homecoming parade. This was NOT one of my friends, and you’re just jealous because I got a buzz kill on my blog and you didn’t.”

Is “sixminutestyle” really one of my friends? I wish I knew because I have so many questions for her, like “which part of my silly blog led you to believe any of it was intended to be taken seriously? The fifth grader pulling off the ponzi scheme, the teenagers smooching at the stop light, or my L.A. neighbors giving me the middle finger?” It’s absolutely true, you know, teenagers do smooch at red lights. I’ve even seen adults do it as well.

Or maybe “sixminutestyle” is one of my frenemies. Maybe she was that girl at Sentinel High School who told me to stay away from this boy I liked because “he’s nothing but trouble,” so she could date him herself. That’s still a legitimate buzz kill though, right? Frenemies count.

Gosh, I just want to get on a plane right now and fly to Missoula so I can spend a whole day with you, “Six”. I visualize all the things we would do together, things you like to do, like throw rocks at clowns and picket ice cream parlors. We could get on facebook and have deep philosophical conversations in between our friends’ status updates of  “I like Spartan purple and gold!” and photos of what they had for dinner.

The thing is, “Six”, I live in Los Angeles, so I’m allowed to poke fun at it. It’s like having three sisters. Most of the time they drive you crazy, because they spend too much time in the bathroom, or steal your clothes, or tell Mom they saw you drinking in the alley behind Worden’s Market.  You’re allowed to tease and taunt them, because they’re family, but if anyone else criticizes them, you’re the first one to jump to their defense. Okay, maybe the third one, but you still jump in, eventually. So, it’s okay for me to poke a little fun at L.A. I’m family.

Now that we’ve gotten that all cleared up, buddy, thanks again for making me the envy of my friends. Seriously, the next time I’m in Zoo town, we should hang. We can talk about all the really, really bad things you said in earnest about Montana, the meth addiction, the rotten schools, the drunks. Hey, I know firsthand that it’s true because not only did I graduate from a Montana school and am a total idiot, I was also nearly killed by a drunk driver when I was 16. But it’s kind of hard to find the humor in that, don’t you think?

And as we like to say in our house, “Lighten up, dude, it’s a joke!”

Best friends forever and still missing Missoula,

CC

BIO:  Carol Chrest is a bitter old spinster living in Los Angeles. When she’s not working ridiculous hours at her cruddy day job, she writes screenplays.  Shedrinks.