My Kingdom for a Glue Stick

By BOB WIRE

Living among a bunch of creative types keeps life interesting. And expensive. This occurred to me today as I was searching high and low for a glue stick. Why did I need a glue stick, you ask? Oh, please. Don’t ask. I’m already tired of explaining it. Let’s just say I had to attach two pieces of paper together and they had to match up just right or they wouldn’t look like a real hundred dollar bill.

The first place I looked was, of course, the Glue Box. What? You don’t have a Glue Box in your house? Well, where in the hell do you keep your glue? The junk drawer? Piker.

There was no glue stick in the Glue Box, but I did notice that the lid was cracked. Hmm. I wondered why none of the madly creative people in my family has taken it upon him/herself to fix the broken lid? I mean, the glue’s right there.

My search continued. The next likely place was the aforementioned junk drawer. I’m always afraid to run my hands through the junk drawer for fear of locating a used X-acto blade or a nest of thumbtacks or a live hand grenade. What I did find was that Visa card that I never activated. Also, there was a small plumbing doo-dad that was never even opened. Apparently the leaky whatever either healed itself up, or we got used to the drip. There was Houdini’s rabies shot tag. From 2008. There was Scotch tape, invisible Scotch tape, silk finish Scotch tape, glossy Scotch tape, two-sided Scotch tape, and Scotch tape that will stick to the wrong part of the wrapping paper if you just look at it wrong. But no glue stick.

Bob Wire

Well, that’s very nice, sweetheart, but I thought the assignment was to draw a picture of Martin Luther King, Jr.

The next place I looked was in the guest room, where we keep all our craft supplies (except, apparently, Scotch tape). A full sized chest of drawers is filled with every manner of arts and crafts tools and supplies you could think of. This massive collection could restock every Hobby Lobby on the Eastern Seaboard. It looks like Bob Ross and Martha Stewart’s shared wet dream.

Our family has kind of a thing for projects. No matter what the problem is, it seems like there’s no issue that can’t be solved by a trip to Michael’s and couple hours with the hot glue gun.

So of course you’d think there’d be a ton of glue sticks somewhere in this mess, right? I mean, there’s a firewood-sized bundle of hot glue sticks. There’s a large selection of Elmer’s glue, including totally washable and fully edible. There’s glitter glue (which is also edible, if you don’t have a problem with Disco Turd). There’s epoxy, super glue, crazy glue, super instant crazy glue, and sociopathic gel-style glue. We have three kinds of rubber cement, two jars of paste (talk about edible, that stuff is as tasty as I remember from my formative years at Son of Sam Elementary), and some kind of household cement that is so strong the labels warns you to keep it away from “open flame or living tissue.”

But no glue stick. Not one lousy tube of the stuff, which is surprising to me because we have been buying eight of them every fall since 2003. Where do they all go? Is there some third grade teacher somewhere who is sitting on a shipping container full of partially used glue sticks? Have they all been purloined by the Glue Stick Fairy? Have the kids been sticking so many things together that they actually used them all? Doubtful.

So it kind of chapped my hide that I actually had to plunk down $1.79 for a four-pack of glue sticks, when I know there are a dozen or more tubes lurking somewhere in the house. But a couple of bucks to finish the task at hand was nothing, really.

You should see our felt bill.

   Check out all of Bob Wire’s posts in his blog archive.

*****************

Have an off-white Christmas with Bob Wire.Think of it as Gonzo meets Hee Haw: Missoula honky tonker Bob Wire holds forth on a unique life filled with music, parenthood, drinking, sports, working, marriage, drinking, and just navigating the twisted wreckage of American culture. Plus occasional grooming tips. Like the best humor, it’s not for everyone. Sometimes silly, sometimes surreal, sometimes savage, Bob Wire demands that you possess a good sense of humor and an open mind.

Bob Wire has written more than 500 humor columns for a regional website over the last five years, and his writing has appeared in the Missoulian, the Missoula Independent, Montana Magazine, and his own Bob Wire Has a Point Blog. He is a prolific songwriter, and has recorded three CDs of original material with his Montana band, the Magnificent Bastards. His previous band, the Fencemenders, was a popular fixture at area clubs. They were voted Best Local Band twice by the Missoula Independent readers poll. Bob was voted the Trail 103.3/Missoulian Entertainer of the Year in 2007.

You can hear his music on his website, or download it at iTunes, Amazon, and other online music providers. Follow @Bob_Wire on Twitter.

MIM NewsletterLike this blog? Don’t miss another one. Sign up for our E-Newsletter.  It provides you with a list of all the week’s stories/blogs and is delivered to your inbox every Tuesday morning.