Blog by Elke Govertsen of Mamalode.
We made it. We made it to that parenting milestone of having both kids in school full time. It is true—they go to the same place at the same time. Those of you with kiddos know what a big dang deal this is.
I had been thinking about this event with equal parts excitement and heartbreak, which actually sums up my entire career as a mother. I remember standing on the porch en route to being induced with my first child. I held on to the railing and whispered, “I can’t do it. I can’t be a mom.”
There was a new moon in the early morning sky. The leaves on the aspen trees flickered in the silent way aspen leaves do. I remember every detail, but I think it is because I stood on that porch, clutching that railing for almost an hour.
My guy, Pauly, had absolutely no idea what to do with me. There I was, fully pregnant, almost double my starting size, in full bloom and full denial. There was no getting around it– I was going to be a mom. He just had to get me off the porch.
He said nice things like, “It’s going to be OK. It will be a really nice baby. Let’s just talk to the midwife about it.” And other quiet coaxing to get me to just let go.
And now here we are eight years later and I am still walking the line between holding on and letting go. This line is where motherhood resides for me.
When the oldest started kindergarten I acted like a lovesick teenager. I moped. I drove by the school on stealth what-is-happening-at-recess missions. I worried. I called my mom and gasped “he’s gone” into her machine. But I got better and was comforted everyday by how great his school/teacher/counselor/principal were. He started to make friends. I started to get in the groove.
And now my youngest, with not even a single glance back, has marched into school. They are both a part of a world that is bigger than our family and yard and home. The world will be hard and mean and wonderful and joyous and kind to them. And to me as I step off the porch, falling for a second and then landing solidly on the path– letting them go and holding on tight.
Bio: Elke Govertsen is the publisher of Mamalode which is a magazine and website for area moms. When not juggling her family, business, and the laundry (disclosure – there is no laundry being done whatsoever) Elke tries to eek out time to write, do yoga, and read like a fiend.